Points to ponder!
If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, his point of view may tickle you a bit.
He is a famous and erudite scientist who once said: I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicate. To say the least, his mind sees things differently than most of us.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,...but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And my all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?
Tom Ford
No. 163
He is a famous and erudite scientist who once said: I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicate. To say the least, his mind sees things differently than most of us.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,...but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And my all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?
Tom Ford
No. 163
posted by Crestwood Independent at 20:02
15 Comments:
You tickle me, you make me laught, would you like my autograph?
I was in a crapy mood until I read this one, now I'm better. Please send me your bill!
There will be no extra charge gentle blogger, just re-read this when your not hitting on all eight cylinders!
And don't forget "no matter where you go, there you are"!
Tom Ford
That's what makes your blogs so great Tom, you never loose your sense of humor and you are a very honorable man to boot. Getting ripped by your strongest critics, you still are able to keep your composure. Plaudits to you. But beware! Now that I have complimented you, we will soon hear all of the tripe from those who choose to give you no credit at all. So be ready.
Ready I am! But ponder this thought for a while:
"If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
-- Anita Roddick
Tom Ford
While reflecting on the main post I came up with a few questions of my own.
1. If your supposed to throw away the cotton ball in a bottle of asprin, do you then throw away the first cotton ball in a box of cotton?
2. How does a vacum bottle know to keep a liquid hot, or cold?
3. It has been said that there are only 10 people in the world, and they all play different parts. If this is so, does history repeat it's self?
4. He who,who he! just what's that supposed to mean?
Well, off to the medicine cabnet for another round of seditives!
Tom Ford
And while we are at it, how bout some red neck questions?
Some more.
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Tom Ford
When the speed of the car hits the speed of light the heads lights take on the speed of light, plus the the normal speed of the head lights, thus they work. Not unlike airplanes flying into their own bullets, the bullets take on the speed of the plane plus their own velocity.
As in the object moving at X speed, matches the speed of the object released from the first object (Y,) plus the velocity of itself can result in the first object overtaking the released object?
The one question I have is whether the second object would still overtake the first if the angle of attack were to be changed?
Would not the insuing V speed change increase the drag coefficent, and therefore reduce the V speed of the first object? In a word, yes.
Gee, this is a lot more fun than Crestwood Politics!
Tom Ford
In reference to number 2, "Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back", is this how the City of Crestwood became so in debt!
It is a great sales pitch to increase your taxes!
A few quotes fot the masses! May you revel in their truth, and simplicity!
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
--Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Tom Ford
Thanks to Jackie S.
*IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We
recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by
cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one
was from Kingman, KS.
*______________________________
*IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had
iceberg. This was in Jackson Mississippi
*______________________________
*IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate
when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your
baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was
without my knowledge, How would I know?" He smiled knowingly and
nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
*______________________________
*IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's
safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the
buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita,
KS
*______________________________
*IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear
co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our
manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this mor e
often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other
with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a bunch at Texas
Instruments.
*______________________________
*IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her
power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the
Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
*______________________________
*IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been
locked in it. We went to the service department and found a
mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As
I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know I
already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in
Canton, Mississippi!
**They walk among us . AND REPRODUCE!!!
*IDIOT SIGHTING: i just read Tim Trueblood's blog.
SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND
Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
Tom Ford
Grandma, do you know Jim Kelleher?
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