Cute Church stories for your funny bone.
With thanks to J. Stock, I present a few funnies to lighten up your day!
Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning a mom went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going.""Why not?" she asked. "
I'll give you two reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The USHER
An elderly woman walked into the local country church.The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered. "Are you certain ? " he asked., with a mischievous smile. "Sometimes the new pastor can be rather boring." "Thanks for the warning!" , she smiled. "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he replied. "I'm the new pastor's mother," she said proudly . "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic, and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside
down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn 1-dollar bill and a similarly distressed 20-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The 20-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the 20 proclaimed."Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The 1-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , The Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church . " The 20-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" asked the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
Tom Ford
NO. 302
Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning a mom went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going.""Why not?" she asked. "
I'll give you two reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The USHER
An elderly woman walked into the local country church.The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered. "Are you certain ? " he asked., with a mischievous smile. "Sometimes the new pastor can be rather boring." "Thanks for the warning!" , she smiled. "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he replied. "I'm the new pastor's mother," she said proudly . "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic, and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside
down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn 1-dollar bill and a similarly distressed 20-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The 20-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the 20 proclaimed."Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The 1-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , The Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church . " The 20-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" asked the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
Tom Ford
NO. 302
posted by Crestwood Independent at 09:52
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