Time to lighten up a bit! For those who love ambiguity!
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE
MONKEYS AND APES?
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW
ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?
28. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
29. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
30. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
31. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Interesting, no?
Tom Ford
NO. 382
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE
MONKEYS AND APES?
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW
ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?
28. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
29. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
30. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
31. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Interesting, no?
Tom Ford
NO. 382
posted by Crestwood Independent at 18:40
16 Comments:
What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
Did you hear about the girl who skipped rope while she read?
She jumped to conclusions.
Did you hear about the banana who was convicted of murder?
It was overturned on appeal!
In the library, I read a book about cowards.
It wasn't easy cause it had no spine!
If one horse is in the corral, running around the perimeter of the fence, and another horse is running free in a field, which one is singing, "Don't Fence Me In"?
Neither. Horses can't sing.
How do you stop a circus?
Go for the juggler.
"I almost had a physic girlfriend once, but she left me before we met!
Tom Ford
Did you see this press release from Jefferson City, Missouri?
http://auditor.mo.gov/news/20070719tdd.htm
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASEThursday July 19, 2007
CONTACT: Samantha Brewer, Public Affairs Coordinator(573) 751-5313E-mail: Samantha.Brewer@auditor.mo.gov
“In their current form, Missouri's TDDs are about as close as you can get to taxation without representation,” State Auditor Susan Montee said. "The General Assembly needs to take action or Missourians will continue to pay these higher taxes with little or no input into what they are paying or how their money is spent."
(JEFFERSON CITY, MO) – Today, Missouri State Auditor Susan Montee released an audit of Transportation Development Districts (TDDs). As of December 31, 2005, 98 TDDs had been established in Missouri, including 29 established in 2005. An additional 22 were established in 2006. While previous audit of TDDs (SAO Report No. 2006-12, issued March 2006) reported various issues in the areas of public awareness/involvement, accountability, and compliance, the 2007 General Assembly made only one change to the TDD statutes addressing issues reported in the prior audit.
TDDs are established for the construction of transportation-related projects, and governed by a board of directors with the authority to impose sales taxes within that district to pay those costs. In 95 percent of the districts the property owner/developer petitioned for its creation. All of the districts have additional sales tax on retail items sold within the districts' boundaries imposed by the property owner/developer. This results in higher sales tax than the retail establishments outside the district's boundaries. The TDDs are created without public input and sales tax is increased without a public vote.
Officials or representatives of 97 of the TDDs reported total estimated transportation project costs of over $923 million, while 87 of those TDDs reported total estimated revenues of over $1 billion would be collected over the lives of the TDDs.
The current audit found issues in the areas of construction contracts and project management, professional services, budgetary matters, and financial reporting. Competitive bids were either not solicited or appropriate bidding procedures could not be determined. Written contracts related to the construction or construction management services were not always prepared or approved in a timely manner. Requests for proposals for various professional services were either not properly solicited or documentation was not available to provide assurance that such proposals were solicited.
Various matters were noted related to transportation projects costs claimed for reimbursement by developers. For example, it appeared the costs claimed by a developer for reimbursement were included twice, overstating reimbursement requests by approximately $123,800. In addition, in one district, customers of the major retailer in the district were incorrectly charged sales tax at a rate higher than that approved by the district for an 8-month period, resulting in an overpayment of sales taxes by the retailer to the district of approximately $60,000 for this time period.
On a septic tank truck;
Yesterdays meals on wheels
At a proctologists office;
To expedite your visit, please back in
On a Plumbers truck:
We repair what your husband fixed
On another plumbers truck:
Don't sleep with a drip, Call your Plumber
On a Church billboard;
7 days without God makes one weak
On a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing company;
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts
On a Maternity room door:
Push! Push! Push!
At an Optometrists office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a Taxidermists window;
We really know our stuff
On a fence;
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!
At a car dealership;
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment!
Outside a muffler shop;
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
Un a Veterinarians waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company
We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't you will be.
In a resturant window
Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home:
Drive carefuly, we'll wait
At a Propane filling station;
Thank heaven for little grills.
At a Chicago radiator shop;
Best place in town to take a leak
On a campaign sign;
I'm an experienced crook, don't vote for a rookies
some favorite signs!
Tom Ford
From the writings of Steven Wright!
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator. -- Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. -- Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. -- Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
-- Steven Wright
Well?
Tom Ford
What do a telephone and a dog have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Did you ever hear about the rope joke?
Skip it.
What do you call a cracked window?
A pane in the glass.
Did you hear about the human cannonball?
First day on the job, he was fired.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
Tom Ford
More from my favorite, Mr. Steven Wright!
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -- Steven Wright
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. -- Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. -- Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright
Tom Ford
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