For those who have never been to sea, a U.S. Navy simulator for your home !

Yes it's a bit of O.T. and not about Crestwood, but it's for all the "old salts" who have served, or will serve in the future who live right here in Crestwood !

And for the more curious among you I am the "Clark Gable" look-a-like on the right hand side of the photo on liberty in Yokosuka, japan. We were just coming off 45 days on "Dixie Station" (off the southern coast of Viet Nam, and due to head back to "Yankee Station" (off the coast of North Viet Nam in a couple of days.

Time flies, no ?

Tom Ford NO. 752


How to Simulate Being in the Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for
six months.

(1a. Submarines - Black outside Pea Green inside)

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the
bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let
the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his
complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble
them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawn mower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the
water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use
too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't
turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with
a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours
after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say
"Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house
- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6
months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle
so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille,
all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do
the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at
0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting
permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers,
sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and
aft, empty all **** cans and butt kits!"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the
rest.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one-- the same one every night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All
hands man your battle stations!

21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting
the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they
are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an
hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.Repeat daily until
they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid rats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At
the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks.
Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a
simulated fire..

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout
"Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast
they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in
front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove
secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a
shoe box.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10
p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the
ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house.
(For aircraft carrier sailors.)

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to
your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay
one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family
stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals.
(Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)

31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the
biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap
yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get
up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living
room, and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee
grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to
the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar,
and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell
them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney
World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip
to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for
an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the
house."

Oh, how I miss those days..!!!